In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
