my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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