good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
