if i can run in heels then i can drive
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
