gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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