rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
