oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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