So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
