He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
