when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
