wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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