What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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