im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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