Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
