i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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