community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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