my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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