and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize