all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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