My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize