Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
