You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
