Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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