you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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