Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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