I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
