separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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