he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
