"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
