Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
