He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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