No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
