the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
