i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They took my balls.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
