I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
