I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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