sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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