the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
