Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
