I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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