the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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