You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
