tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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