Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
