He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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