I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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