The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
