im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
