im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize