i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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