I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
