if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
