Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
