explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
