you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
