i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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