The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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