I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
