this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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