remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
4 words: hood of his car
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
