My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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