I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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