Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
